this is something that i jotted down when i was in Leeds...i've got nothing to do then...so, here is one of them...


Definitely tomorrow will be the Hari Raya Aidilfitri here in Leeds UK and so as in Malaysia I believe and because of such important day is approaching, I’m feeling a little bit emotional and sentimental tonight of not having my wife, my nata, my kyra and my family celebrate the hari raya together. Imagine, I don’t have the benefit of kissing my wife’s forehead as a symbol of my love towards her, kissing and hugging my nata and my kyra, kissing mommy’s hand, daddy’s hand, aunty ammong’s hand other aunties and uncles, my siblings, my cousins, my anak-anak buah and my other family members during hari raya and the most important of all, visiting and reciting doa at my Arwah Grandmother’s grave.. Imagine, imagine and imagine and nobody knows it but me.

I really hate to unveil my sentimental feelings at this very moment and I guess I better finish off my story in ‘A life I never dream’ which has been left hanging for quite some time and thru this sleepless night, I’ll try to somehow do my level best to continue the sequence of the story.

I still remember very well the moment when I tried to convey the message to my wife pertaining to that crazy idea of mine and she was a bit puzzled noticing me behaving strangely as I was struggling to find the right moment and the gesture to tell her once and for all. Finally, as I explained to her line by line and word by word, she got the message clearly. Surprisingly, she was not surprise at all and not even a word of protest or ‘what if’ question. She gave me her full support instead and suggested that I should apply for chevening scholarship so that I can pursue my little dream without having to crack my head on how to finance my studies. And yes, that little dream of mine is to pursue my studies in Master Degree in Criminal Law in the UK so that I can push myself a little further to acquire such detailed knowledge and expertise in order have various options in life. After all, no harm for a small time kampung boy like me to dream a little bit bigger.

Last year was my wife’s turn to celebrate hari raya at her hometown Hulu Langat Selangor and bear in mind, unlike our hari raya in sabah, those orang Malaya’s way of celebrating hari raya is really what I view as ‘an intensive one week hari raya affair’ where each of every morning, afternoon and evening of that very week we have to visit all the saudara mara’s houses. And one thing that always make me smile when I come to think of it is when people posed one magic word and the most frequent question asked...‘mhay (my pet name) bila sampai Malaysia’? And that will be followed by another not so less popular phrase... ‘makan la ini masakan orang Malaysia rendang, ketupat, lemang etc’ (which I can have those every day in sabah) and normally I just smile and simply reply ‘dah lama dah’ (mcm Tun Dr Mahathir punya tone). But deep down I have to admit that orang Malaya punya hari raya celebration is more lively and much better compare to ours (this is my personal assessment and you can deny if you possibly wish to) and the best thing is my mother in law’s cooking where she cooks a very delicious Assam Laksa (sampai semua orang datang rumah just for the laksa). Oh ya the last year’s hari raya fall during the mid of October and the last day to submit the application form for the chevening was on 31st October 2006.

All that material time, I actually tried to forego that little crazy idea as I was not so ready to be far from my wife and nata (that time my wife was still expecting my kyra) and unfortunately (or should I say ‘fortunately’), my wife kept on reminding me of whether all my documents and papers are in order. Believe it or not, nothing was ready or in order until the day before the due date. I told her to forget the thing and no need to think of it. She was quite upset and told me to at least give a shot and decide later. I was speechless and laughed as she left me no room to refute. Maybe this the price I have to pay for marrying a lady who is smarter than me (she is a qualified lawyer as well) and for most of the time it took me lots of reasoning to outsmart her convincingly. Having no other option but to follow her so called instruction, I have to ring my brother Shah and Idroy to scan all my documents and send them by email the next morning.

Incidentally, my wife had to send my mother in law HUKM Cheras for her appointment together with my sister in law Kak Edy. While waiting for her turn, my wife and I had to look for a cyber cafe to print the scanned documents and to do so; we have to go as far as the Bandar Tasik Selatan. Subsequently, we have to drive all the way to Wisma Dredging opposite KLCC to submit the application form to the British Council in KL and my poor mother in law and sister in law had to catch a cab to Mydin KL to do some shopping while waiting for us. I have to admit that I really pity my pregnant wife coz she had to drive the car and rushed here and there in order to make sure that I can submit the application form before the closing time. In fact, it was her who helped me to fill up the application form and handed over the form and documents as I know she always have a good ‘fengshui’ and to get the scholarship surely I need an extra luck though most of the time I have to create my own luck in every tasks I do. Thereafter, I smiled to her and thanked her for everything she did and told her that if I were shortlisted for interview, I know I can make it. Somehow for unknown reason, Allah SWT blesses me with such a wonderful lady in my life and she completes me (now I know what Jerry Maguire meant by that line).

Alhamdulillah, I received an email from British Council congratulating me for being shortlisted and the interview date had been fixed. Honestly speaking, I had a mixed feeling when reading that mail coz if I go to interview, I have a strong itchy feeling that I will get it. Not because of my charm but because of something that I myself don’t know how to describe. My wife was so happy to hear that and reminded me of my pledge that ‘I can make it’ during interview and therefore, definitely I must walk the talk. During the interview date, my wife had accompanied me to the British Council office at Jalan Gaya and during the 45 minutes interview........ (whatever transpired during the interview cannot be revealed and remain classified) and thereafter, I told my wife that I had a feeling that I can get it. The news of that scholarship was published in the Daily Express Newspaper, and of course I received so many congratulatory remarks from family members and friends. However, some people seems to be in doubt on how I managed to get the scholarship and I simply answered them ‘I got it by fluke’. But deep down I firmly believe I got it based on merit and I don’t give a damn of what other people may think of. Obviously, this is not a case where a bumiputera can enjoy the affirmative action’s privilege i.e. to have a quota for such scholarship (only one Sabahan was selected for this year’s batch). Anyone may apply for the scholarship and it is up to them to show their merit if they think they are better. However, ‘I am the special one’ (pinjam kejap dari Mourinho) and it may sound too much and overboard but frankly speaking, I am too tired of being down to earth and apologetic to people most of the time. Being a Bumiputera and of course being a ‘SULUK’ should not be a reason for other people to look down on my little ability. Trust me, there is always a room to be a better man and much more better than what we actually can possibly think of.

Back to my story, people may be under the impression that I must be very happy to have this beautiful opportunity but deep down, I was in a great reluctance to be happy as it was and still is, too heavy for me to leave my beautiful newborn second daughter Kyra so as my nata and wife. But again, it left me with no better option but to proceed with the original plan i.e. to do my LLM Criminal Law & Criminal Justice at University of Leeds because I believe there will be no more lady luck to knock my door and smile sweetly on me. It is like a beautiful dream that is too good to be true i.e. to do my Master Degree in a 5A rating university for criminal justice course and a worldly recognised prestigious scholarship. Indeed, I myself had never thought that a simple kampung boy, a trouble maker and a no hope high school student like me can have a dream which is beyond a dreamable dream. Tell me who can resist that golden opportunity? but then again, it comes with a price. The price that too heavy for me to pay even if a good discount is given.

And now, here I am too far away from home, my wife, my nata, my kyra and my family on this so called ‘silent night’. I have to sail thru this sentimental night with emptiness all around me and this is exactly a life that I never imagine thru all my days indeed... a life I never dream.

P/S- This story and blog are exclusively for my family members strict viewing and reading ONLY and therefore, I accept no liability if you feel offended or ridiculed in whatsoever circumstances.

P/S- I realised that writing a narrative story is much more difficult than preparing a legal submissions. I wish I have Echang’s skills and expertise in writing a column professionally and in a proper order.

Wassalam.
Warm Regards,
Muammar Julkarnain Esq.
Beeston Leeds 12 Oct 2007 (10.41pm)